Do You Want to Build a Snowman? — Stalag 13 Style
by la-hija-de-Dios
Summary: I'll, Lord willing, have every chapter be a different character's version of the song "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" :D The eleventh version is Helga's (or is it Hilda's?), and it's entitled "Do You Want to Get Some Info?" Please tell me if it's lacking anything! I'm not done with this yet. I fully plan on doing Colonel Crittendon's version next. :) Please enjoy this! :D
1. Want to Blow up Hitler Bridge, Boy?

_All right, I just remembered that I forgot to leave a disclaimer, so here you go. I don't own "Hogan's Heroes" or any of its characters. I also don't own the song "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" Any reviews would be greatly appreciated, criticism (preferably constructive) or not. All the glory goes to God for helping me with this. Oh, and many thanks to Tiny1217, konarciq, Book 'em Again, Abracadebra, and willwrite4fics for showing me my mistakes and encouraging me! :D I do plan on continuing this, so hopefully I'll have an update for you soon! :)_

"'Do You Want to Build a Snowman?' — Stalag 13 Style"

Carter's version: "Colonel?  
Want to blow up Hitler Bridge, boy?  
Come on, it's on the way!  
I have many kinds of bombs,  
Like gray oblongs.  
I'll time it for today!  
C'mon, we haven't blown up  
It for a while.  
I really don't want to stay!  
Want to blow up Hitler Bridge, boy?  
I want to see the big explosion! . . . Yeah, bo-sir!

"Want to blow it up again, boy?  
Or a munitions plant will do.  
The Kommandant made us rebuild the thing,  
Left us at mere phone ring,  
And heard us jeer and boo!  
(You selfish kraut!)  
Life here can get so boring  
Without a big boom.  
It will highlight our dull day

"Colonel?  
I heard that it's been fixed.  
Please, sir, we'll have a lot of fun.  
I made a new kind. Can we try it out?  
I need to test it and  
Make sure it's done!  
Boy, won't it be so swell!  
Peter and I'll go!  
We might even run.  
May we blow up that ol' kraut bridge?" 


	2. Can I Opt Out o' This Mission?

_Sorry about the wait, this is Newkirk's version. Don't get me wrong on this. I don't think of Newkirk as a coward, but it was either this version or two others, both of which I don't think fit him exactly or I can't see him doing. Thanks to all who welcomed me to the Hogan's Heroes fandom! :) I hope you guys enjoy this! My disclaimer is in the first chapter. :D_

Newkirk's version: "Guv'nor?  
Can I opt out o' this mission?  
I think it'll fail.  
Us gettin' forty SS chaps  
To do some laps  
While we get those 'o've bailed?  
I never 'eard more crazy  
Thoughts in me life.  
You think we could prevail?  
Can I opt out o' this mission?  
I don't think we can do this mission. . . Aye, aye, sir.

"Must I really do this mission?  
Or must I dress up as a _Fräu_?  
I very nearly missed the roll call, sir,  
Last time _Fräu_ Newkirkmüller  
Tried ent'rin' Göring's 'ouse!  
(Blimey, I'm safe!)  
I almost didn't make it  
Back to 'ome at all  
In time for Schultzie's ' _Raus!_ '

"Guv'nor,  
So, you're sure that I must?  
I 'ave nine siblin's me pay feeds.  
Call me cautious, but in this bloomin' war,  
I've somethin' t' live for.  
Should we proceed?  
I'd never leave me mates, sir.  
I'll do as you say.  
I wish you'd change your mind!  
Do I 'ave t' do this mission?"


	3. Do You Want to Eat A Strudel?

_I'm terribly sorry about the long wait! I hope you enjoy this! I had the first verse already written, but the last two were made up in about an hour-ish. So if they stink, I'm very sorry! If I've spelled anything wrong, please tell me! I don't know French, so I just kind of threw in a few words I'd heard. The disclaimer is on the first chapter. As always, I want to thank God for His grace and helping me! :D  
_

LeBeau's version: "Schultzie?  
Do you want to eat a strudel?  
Or some c _rêpê suzette.  
_ Just tell about Hochstetter _et_ Burkhalter.  
You want some, Schultz, I bet!  
I have some strudel here now.  
It's up to you.  
I will owe you a debt.  
Do you want to eat some strudel?  
I just made some apple strudel . . _. Certainment_!

"Will you eat some of this strudel?  
Come on, Schultz, please? It cannot wait!  
I knew we should've gotten Langenscheidt _  
_To watch all of us tonight.  
We figured he'd take bait.  
(Right, Langenscheidt?)  
 _Le colonel_ had picked you,  
But I've said too much.  
 _Sacre chats!_ Did you faint?

"Please, Schultz?  
So, you want some strudel?  
I don't think I'll give it to you.  
'Cause you didn't want to trade for it before,  
Why would I make you more?  
That's what I'll do,  
But on a few conditions.  
Tell me about Klink.  
What'd he tell you to do?  
Don't you want some of my strudel?"

 _So, I'm thinkin' maybe Kinch next. Does "May I Please, Sir, Strangle London?" sound too out of character for him? Maybe if he's exasperated . . ._


	4. May I Please, Sir, Strangle London?

_Hi! I should've had this up a while ago, so I'm sorry! :( I won't post another for a week, at least, 'cause I'm going to camp! :D I might work on Hogan's a bit while I'm there, though! :) Please enjoy this! I do want to say that I'm sorry 'cause I realized a day of two after I posted LeBeau's that I was doing it for reviews, and that's wrong. This one is written for God's glory and for our enjoyment! :D Thanks to the Lord, again, for helping me with this, and to Snooky for helping me with Kinch's character. :) Anyway, here you go! Oh, and the reason Kinch goes from wanting to strangle London to just wanting to smack London is that he cooled down. I figured once he had time to think, he would be more level-headed. It is fun phrasing the question differently on every part of it. :)  
_

Kinch's version: "Colonel?  
May I please, sir, strangle London?  
No, I'm feeling fine.  
You haven't seen the mission yet.  
You'll think, I bet,  
That they have lost their minds!  
If you don't think so, read this.  
What do we do?  
What if we don't have time?  
May I please, sir, strangle London?  
I really want to strangle London . . . Yes, sir. Fine.

"Do you think I could throttle London?  
This mission is impossible.  
I do not know how we could pull it off  
With your cold and Newkirk's cough  
Without a miracle!  
(Please help me, Lord!)  
I wonder if they're crazy  
All the way o'er there.  
I could say our day's full.

"Colonel?  
This time, sir, they've done it.  
Man, it's the worst of all their schemes.  
The mission this time's got so many faults  
I'd put it in a vault  
Left in the sea!  
I think winning Gin Rummy  
Against Carter would  
Be an easier feat!  
Am I permitted to smack London?"


	5. Do You Want to Make a Gen'ral?

_Ok, I want to say really quickly that I'm sorrv I didn't post this earlier. At Kamkats's review, I tried for an hour to produce this. It probably only took an hour to an hour and a half to make this all together. I am a horrible author. :( I think I wanted to make it a set time, like every Tuesday, but I never know when I'll think about it, so I just made it at the end of the month. Once again, I'm sorry. Oh, please tell me if Hogan's not clever enough in this song, 'cause I'm not sure.  
I want to thank the Lord for helping me do this, and for His grace! _¡Por la gloria y honor de Dios! _Thanks for the reviews and to the followers and the favoriter (Is that a real word? Oh, well. I'm calling it that.) :D  
By the way, the disclaimer is in the first chapter.  
_

Hogan's version: "Komm'ndant?"  
Do you want to make a gen'ral?  
I'll show you the way.  
You'll think you won the lottery!  
Use flattery  
To help you stay!  
You'll need to please the brass, sir,  
Or you will fail.  
What are you going to say?  
Do you want to make a gen'ral?  
Swell, Kommandant. You'll be a gen'ral . . . As I thought.

"Klink, do you want to be a gen'ral?  
Come, Kommandant, I do know how!  
You'll need to give us white bread for a month,  
Plus a football we can punt.  
It's all up to you now!  
(Take the bait, Klink!)  
Plus, sir, you'll be the same rank  
As Burkhalter is.  
Practice taking a bow!

"Komm'ndant?  
So, you've got one more chance.  
I guess I'll leave it up to you.  
If only you had listened to me there,  
Had not puffed up with air,  
You'd be one, too!  
I guess, sir, as it is you'll  
Stay a colonel now.  
Don't you think that is true?  
Want to gain the rank of gen'ral?"


	6. Will You Please Make Me Some Strudel?

_Sorry I took so long! The first verse was the hardest. Strangely enough, the second verse came into my mind first. Hmm. Anyway, here you go! It's Schultz! His was so much fun to do, especially the second verse. You know, the second verse is my favorite on all of them. I'm not quite sure why, but it might have something to do with it's having a lot of syllables in it. :D I didn't do Baker, 'cause I don't know his character too well. The disclaimer is, and will remain, on the first chapter. Please enjoy this! The glory goes to God for helping me with this, and thanks goes to Him and everyone who reviewed, favorited, or followed, 'cause it always brightens up my day when I see that! :D  
_

Schultz's version: "Cockroach?  
Will you please make me some strudel?  
I think that I will faint!  
I haven't eaten in so long,  
A breakfast gong  
Would be so very great!  
Your snack would tide me over,  
At least 'till lunch.  
What was the last I ate?  
Will you please make me some strudel?  
I really wish I could have strudel . . . _Danke shön!_

"Can you cook me _apfel_ strudel?  
The last one was so _wunderbar_!  
You cook strudel better than my wife,  
Though it's true we have some strife.  
Will you go in my car?  
(Oh, please say yes!)  
I'll let you teach her cooking,  
Because she's not _gut_.  
Your taste buds might be marred!

"Cockroach?  
Please, I am so hungry!  
I really need something to munch!  
How 'bout I give you twenty marks?  
Would that be a good start?  
Will that get me lunch?  
Please, Cockroach, make me something  
That you know I'll chomp!  
I would prefer a bunch!  
Will you bake me a _gut_ strudel?"


	7. Could You Possibly Promote Me?

_Hi! Sorry I didn't work on this sooner! I actually forgot about it for a few weeks, so that's why it's a bit late. I need to hurry and post this before we leave for church. I hope you enjoy it! Oh, and sorry about messing up in the previous summary. The second verse, as usual, is my favorite. :)  
The glory goes to God! The disclaimer is in the first chapter, I believe. Oh, yeah. To the reviewer whose name I don't know (and in too much of a hurry to look up), I do plan to add Hochstetter and even have his first verse already done. :) For God'_ _s glory!  
_

Klink's version: " _Mein herr?  
_ Could you possibly promote me?  
I think _fräuleins_ would like it.  
Plus, general, you'll have the added part  
Of a really smart  
Man—that would be a hit!  
All I ask is that, Gen'ral,  
You'd take a chance.  
I'll help more than a bit!  
Could you possibly promote me?  
I only ask that you'd promote me! . . . _Jawohl, Herr._

"Will you give me a promotion?  
I will do anything you say.  
Well, anything but marry Linkmeyer.  
Uh, I didn't say that,  
(Man, that was close!)  
I'd like to have a higher  
Rank than I have now.  
May I have one today?

"General?  
It is me, again, sir.  
I have done everything I can.  
All I ask for is some help from you.  
I just really want you to  
Say how I'm not bland!  
If I become a general,  
All I'd have to do  
Is help with Berlin's plan!  
Would you pretty please promote me?"


	8. Do You Want to Go to Russia?

_Sorry I took so long. My muse departed me for a week. Sadness! Anyway, I hope you like this! It's a little different, as the others were more like a plea, but this is not as much. Please tell me what you think! :D  
The disclaimer is in the first chapter. The glory goes to God for helping me with this, 'cause I could not have done it without Him! :D_

Burkhalter's version: " _Dummkopf_?  
Do you want to go to Russia?  
I can send you there.  
I've got a unit on its way.  
You know, I'll say  
You'll be out of my hair!  
I'll never have to see you—  
Not one more time!  
You might even meet a bear!  
Do you want to go to Russia?  
I think you just might go to Russia . . . Fine, I'll wait.

"Don't you want a trip to Russia?  
I think you'd better pack your bags.  
I've got a few more slots where you could go.  
Maybe have you in front so  
You'd not give in and lag!  
( _Auf wiedersehen!_ )  
If you don't want to go there,  
I suggest you start  
Making us not all gag!

" _Dummkopf,  
_ I gave you one more chance,  
And then you had to screw it up.  
All I wanted was some competence.  
Don't you think that that makes sense?  
Know what? Never mind!  
You really aren't the brightest  
Light bulb in the room.  
I'll give you one last chance.  
How about a trip to Russia?"


	9. Will You Spill Your Little Secret?

_Hey! Sorry it's taken so long to put this up. I've actually had this written since Christmas Eve, but wasn't able to get to a computer in internet long enough to post it. Anyway, I hope you like it! :) This was so much fun to write! :D Oh, the word "chicanery" was in my vocab list for school, and I thought of Hogan immediately. It basically means trickery, "especially in legal dealings." Please enjoy this! :D_

 _The disclaimer is in the first chapter. I thank God for His help in getting the right words to go with the tune. :)_

Hochstetter's version: "Hogan?  
Will you spill your little secret?  
I know you're Papa Bear.  
I am not as dumb as Klink.  
That's what you think.  
I'll take you to my lair!  
Because I am Gestapo,  
I'll do as I please.  
Why don't you tell me now?  
Will you admit you little secret?  
I'm waiting for your little secret! . . . Bah, Hogan!

"Won't you share your so-called 'secret'?  
I'm sick of your chicanery!  
You're always pulling the wool o'er Klink's eyes,  
Tricking him with your big sighs,  
And ingenuity!  
(I'll get you yet!)  
You think you have escaped me,  
But you don't know  
I will make you all worry!  
Won't you share you so-called secret'?

"Hogan?  
I have asked so 'nicely.'  
I only need to have your word.  
I have looked, but cannot even pin  
One small, itty bitty thing  
On you and your herd!  
I want cooperation  
From you for a bit.  
It will be much preferred!  
Will you just reveal your secret?"


	10. Do You Want to be Mein Husband?

_Hi! I hope you guys had a nice January! :D Please enjoy_ _Fräu Linkmeyer's version! I hope it's right! :) I was planning on posting this on Saturday or yesterday, but I got really busy. Anyway, the disclaimer is in the first chapter (version?), and the glory goes to God. :D I know there are two secretaries, and I get their names mixed up. There's a reason I typed their names like that in the summary. You'll see in the next version. :)  
_

Fräu Linkmeyer's version: "Wilhelm?  
Do you want to be _mein_ husband?  
We'll marry today!  
Albert will be happy, dear,  
With you right here.  
Maybe you'll get a raise!  
You really are not worth it,  
But I can't find  
One single man worth pay!  
Do you want to be _mein_ husband?  
I think that you should be _mein_ husband! . . . I will wait.

"Will you just become _mein_ husband?  
I think I'd make  
'Stead of on the front somewhere,  
But, Wilhelm, that is life!  
(I'll miss you, dear!)  
I'll settle for an _oberst.  
_ You need some help.  
I will whip you into shape!

"Wilhelm,  
Why do you resist me?  
Has another caught your gaze?  
It's true you're not an amazing catch,  
But I'll make you a good match.  
You're walking in a daze!  
Come, Willie, listen up, please,  
And marry me.  
Then you will be amazed!  
Will you be my brand-new husband?"


	11. Do You Want to Get Some Info?

_Hi! I'm so sorry I took so long to post this! I truly had school and promised myself that I would not post things on FanFiction 'till I finished most of it, but I forgot to update this after that. Anyway, I give you this version. As always, I hope you like it! :D I'm not positive the third verse is all right, so I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me your thoughts on it. As an apology (and 'cause it was extremely fun to draw), I've drawn Newkirk and, if you want, I can post it on DeviantArt so you can see it. Sorry this is author's note is going on forever. The glory for this goes to God. Oh, the disclaimer is in . . . a previous chapter. I don't remember which one it is, exactly. Oh, yeah! The reason I wrote it as "Hilda's (or is it Helga's?)" or "Helga's (or is it Hilda's)" version is that I get them mixed up. I kind of wanted to do that for fun, too. :3  
_

~\•/~

Hilda's (or is it Helga's?) version: "Darling?  
Do you want to get some info?  
I'll give it to you.  
All I ask for is some things,  
Not even rings.  
I just want perfume!  
You gave me nylons last week,  
A kiss before.  
What have you got to lose?  
Do you want to get some info?  
I just might part with some new info.  
 _Ja,_ that's fine.

"Do you want some information?  
Well, then, you'd better get me things.  
I'll take chocolate, nylons, and perfume,  
And, maybe, a kiss from you  
To do your little scheme!  
(That's better, colonel!)  
My info doesn't come cheap,  
But at least it comes.  
I'll give you what you want!

"Darling,  
So, it comes down to this.  
You are a pris'ner in this place.  
By rule, we should not have fraternized,  
But, perhaps another time—  
Still, _danke_ for the lace.  
Now, Colonel, in return for  
That lovely gift,  
I'll give you this one list!  
Would you like some inside input?"


End file.
